The verdict is in

JUDGE KAPLAN: Madam Foreperson, I understand the jury has reached a verdict. Please hand it to Andy. Thank you. The clerk will publish the verdict. Please rise.

[murmuring, crowd noise]

JK: On the first count, “I’m a bad widdle boy,” how do you find?

FOREPERSON: Guilty, your honor.

JK: The second count, “Did I do that?”

FOREPERSON: Guilty.

JK: Third count, “It’s my first day.”

FOREPERSON: Guilty.

JK: Count four, “What’s that over there?”

FOREPERSON: Not guilty.

[indistinct chatter]

JK: I’ll have decorum in my courtroom! Thank you. Now, on count five, defrauding defenseless, naive, and well-intentioned cryptocurrency investors.

FOREPERSON: Guilty, but we also want to jail everyone who gave this guy money.

JK: I’ll allow it. What about count six, “Can’t you take a joke?”

FOREPERSON: Guilty.

JK: Finally, the seventh count, being a giant douchebag.

FOREPERSON: We find the defendant super-duper extra guilty.

JK: The defendant will be sentenced at a later date. I want to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury for your service in this matter. And now, we can all get back to the serious business of cryptocurrency investing.

[general laughter]